Common Denominator/Script
Lee and Biffy: "AAAAAHHHH!" and Biffy are falling down a hole. Suddenly, they stop falling. Lee: voiceover "Oh hey. Ping here. Guess who's falling through a tunnel to who-knows-where, again?" Biffy: voiceover "You, and uh, our certain doom. Hey, you got a lozenge? All this screaming is making my throat dry." Lee: "Fresh out. Anyways, before any of this, my best friend Cam became a suspended ex-president. And Holger claims to have received superpowers that lets him feel love vibes. Yeah. Too bad he realized all this after I asked out Tina and got my butt handed to me." Biffy: "But all that doesn't matter now, remember? 'Cause we're plunging to our certain death, all 'cause you were convinced the teachers were clones!" Lee: "Hey, you were there when we found files that proved a whole bunch of them live in Brandy's apartment. And have the same birthday." Biffy: "Yeah, and that wasn't even the strangest part. What about you finding a file on your mom, but before we could see how she was involved the Taz snatched it!" Lee: "Yeah. Why wouldn't he want me to see it? And then, there's that certain someone who's been really stepping up his messing with my A-game lately. He even took a sample of my hair! So if the teachers are clones, could The Serpent be cloning me? Doesn't he have better things to do than make copies of a tenth grader?" and Biffy begin falling again. Lee and Biffy: "AAAAAHHH!" ---- Detentionaire ---- falls down a chute, screaming. He lands on a pod and slides off cleanly. Lee: himself off "We didn't die. Bonus!" Biffy: "GAAH! Huuh!" comes out of the same chute and hits the pod badly. He tumbles forward. Biffy: "Ow..." gets up, leaving the machine he landed on spitting sparks. Lee looks around the room. Lee: out "Okay. What is this place?" ---- Earlier that day...8:00 AM Ping's car cuts through traffic. Mrs. Ping: "Son. You look troubled. What's on your mind?" the horn "Move it! This is the fast lane, not Slowpoke Alley!" Lee: "Technically, we're in the bike lane. Hey Mom, did you happen to know a bunch of teachers have the exact same birthday? And that it's the same as yours?" Mrs. Ping: "So what? Hit the gas, grandma! There are seven billion people and only three hundred sixty-six birthdays including leap years. Do the math. Well? I'm waiting." Lee: "Seriously?" himself "Okay, divide mm-hmm...yeah. Around nineteen million people have the same birthday. Point taken. Still! What are the odds?" mother gives him a side-eyed look. "You actually want me to calculate that, don't you." ---- is walking through A. Nigma High when she gets a phone call. She answers. Brandy: "Oh hey! You're up early." Camillio: "I know, all this time trapped at home is like driving me loco banana pancakes for reals, man! So, tell me about you. What are your likes, dislikes, fears, ambitions." Brandy: "You really wanna know all about me, or are you suddenly that bored?" Camillio: "A little of a, but mostly b." Kimmie: "Brandy." walks up to Brandy. "My mom needs the yacht for a work thingy, so the big Glam vote's at your place now." Brandy: "What?" up her phone "Um, notice much?" Kimmie: "It's happening, so deal with it, 'kay? 'Kay." Glamazons leave. Camillio: "Man, even through the phone I can feel her like, icy vibe. And what big vote? And your place? What's she talkin' 'bout?" Brandy: "Hello? The big Glamazon vote? It's only happened every year since the beginning of time or something." Camillio: fantasizing "Heh heh heh...Glamazon cavewomen!" Brandy: "Hello? I can totally take it this year! Everyone hates Kimmie, I just need to give them a little reminder, and a better alternative." Camillio: on "Oh, and you want your man Cam to come over and help schmooze the locals and seal the deal? Okay, done." Brandy: "What no, I–never said that." Camillio: "But you were thinking it, right?" Brandy: "Not even close! This is the most important event of the social calendar, and the ex-prez thing? It hasn't been great for your rep." Camillio: "But I'm super charming homes! Two minutes with the Glams and Ima totally convince 'em you the man, girl." Brandy: "Sorry Cam, ding ding ding what, oh, that's the bell, class is starting, gotta go! You just stay home, I'll keep you informed." hangs up. Camillio: himself "In my prison? No way. It's time for a prison break!" basement door opens. Mrs. Martinez: "Camillio Esmereldo Martinez! No prison breaks!" slumps. ---- Ping's car pulls up to the school. Mrs. Ping: "Remember, I'm taking Dad for dinner, so I won't be able to drive you home after school. But you're still grounded. So hurry home! And–" gestures for Lee to give her a kiss. Lee does so. Lee: "Bye Mom." gets out of the SUV. Biffy runs up to him with a coffee in his hand. Biffy: hyper "Ping! Got an idea, a good one, real good, super good, amazing good." Lee: "Okay, what idea, what are you talking about, and how much coffee have you had?" Biffy: hyper "None, a little, a lot, why, I'm fine, great, amazing, so listen up." ---- they get inside the school, Biffy calms down a little. Biffy: "I know how we can prove they're cloning teachers at A. Nigma High. We talk to the people who've been here the longest. The fifteenth graders." Lee: thinking "Not bad. Maybe being overcaffeinated suits ya." bell rings. ---- homeroom, Holger is trying to use his pen as a wand. Holger: hand over his eyes "Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu–" Lee: "Buddy, you okay? What're you doing?" Holger: "Ssh! Holger from school be trying his magic powers. He thinking hard and trying magic brain thoughts!" his pen "Fa-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na–" school news comes on. The regular news tone has been replaced with Irwin's bugle playing. Tellingly, Irwin is now one of the hosts, along with the new school president. Beth: "All hail! The High Wizard of the Arcane Council of Knowledge and Power. Me!" finishes his magic spell and looks at the screen. Holger: excited "Yazoinka!" Beth: "Students! Royal–subjects! Because of my allergy to carbonated beverages, all drinks will be replaced with prune juice." students boo and hurl objects at the television. Lee raises his hand. Lee: "Uh, sir? I think that prune juice just ran right through me." Langhorne raises an eyebrow but hands over a bathroom pass. Meanwhile, Holger sketches a picture of Chopper firing a heart from a catapult towards a castle containing Beth. Holger: "Hmm." ---- the hall of the fifteenth graders, Chopper is making Emmett and Stinky move a trebuchet. Chopper: "Speed it up! That thing ain't gonna test itself!" Stinky: "Why are we building this again? We could so be souping up a minicar to hold a billion clowns right now." Chopper: "I told you already! And enough with the clown stuff, we're thugs, okay? Not village idiots!" Stinky: on a red ball nose "But Lee Ping said, that the village idiot was one of the precursors to the modern-day circus clown." squeezes his nose. Chopper slaps it off of his face. Lee walks into the entrance to the hallway. They notice him. Chopper: "Well, lookee who should wander down our off-limits hallway." begins juggling. Stinky: "Lee Ping! Check out what I learned!" Lee: "Nice." grabs Stinky and throws him backwards. Chopper: "He's making you look like a fool." Stinky: "But Lee Ping says that the fool was also an early precursor to the–" Chopper: "Enough with the precursor, or I'll give you a now cursor! And you!" turns to Lee. "You've messed with my squad long enough!" Lee: "Sorry, just one question. Real important. Have you seen anything weird with the teachers? Y'know, since you've been here for like ever." Chopper: "Sure! But I can't tell you, I need to show you." pushes Lee into the holder of the trebuchet. Lee: "What? I don't see how that–" Chopper: "Not a suggestion." pushes Lee into the trebuchet. "Okay, ready, aim–" Lee: "So I'm guessing you haven't seen anything weird and this is just you being a thug?" Chopper: "Now you're catching on! 'Kay where were we? Uh...oh yeah! Fire!" pulls the firing pin. Nothing happens. "Hold on! I see what went wrong!" leans down to fix the problem. Lee: up "Great, let me help you with that–" pushes him back down. "Or not." ---- Glamazons are sitting at a table in the lunchroom. Druscilla and McKenzie are about to reapply their lipstick when Kimmie walks up. Kimmie: "Ew! Fuschia? Put that on, and you can hang in the loser corner." points to a table under a flickering lightbulb at which are seated a short boy, a nerdy boy, a fat boy, and Suzie. "That color so clashes with my tan." phone rings. She sighs and answers it. "Ugh. What is it Mom?" Brandy: soon as Kimmie leaves "Since when is it your fault that she got a bad spray tan?" and McKenzie nod. "And seriously, what's with all the color banning? Like, when are we gonna be able to wear coral, again? She does not want any competition, so she keeps us in dusty rose and champagne pink. I think we need more than just a change of lipstick, don't you? Think about it!" gets up and walks away. ---- Chopper: up "That should do it. Let's rock!" Lee: "You know, I'm good. We really don't need to fling me across the hall." Chopper: "Oh, but we do. How will we know if it works if we don't test it?" Lee: "Stinky?" Stinky: "What? He has a point." Lee: annoyed "Thanks buddy." laughs evilly. ---- is about to pull the trigger when somebody behind him clears their throat. Biffy: "Ahem. Launch him, and we's got trouble." Chopper: "Aw, c'mon! I have to make sure the tree bucket can fire a weight-bearing load!" Biffy walks over. With one arm, he lifts Lee off of the trebuchet. With the other, he punches a locker door off of its hinges, shoves the crumpled wreck into the trebuchet, and pulls the trigger. The trebuchet winds up and fires the hunk of metal down the hall, where it crashes. Biffy: "There now." Lee "Aren't you glad you weren't on that?" Lee: Biffy "Ah seriously, thank you." Chopper "Okay. It works. Now you help us." Biffy: "Wait. I wanna know why this gearhead is working on such old tech." Stinky: "It's 'cause Chopper likes a girl. He built it for her!" Chopper: shoving Stinky "Do not!" Lee: "Dude! This thing's awesome. Seriously. Who'd ya build it for?" Chopper: "You think? Uh. Uh. No one. Uh. Forget it. Out of our hall!" Stinky: up "It's Beth." Chopper: growling "Annh!" Stinky: "What? Sorry, I couldn't help it." Lee: Biffy "Beth?" Biffy: "Seriously?" Chopper: "Why?" angry "What's wrong with Beth?" Lee: "Nothing! She's so–" Chopper: "She's been coming to shop class like every single day. I make her weapons stuff for her Castle Serpents game crew." remembers how she tests the weapons. "She calls me–" Memory Beth: "Blacksmith! Bigger!" remembers making her another weapon. "Sharper!" Chopper: "She's the only girl who's not afraid of me. I even made a sword for her stupid fourteenth-level warrior, Irwin. How's he a warrior? Seriously, dude can barely wield a sword! How's he gonna protect her, from, like a savage goblin attack! I figured she'd need a proper siege weapon to storm the castle for her game, so, I kinda built this." Biffy: sarcastic "This is all so touching I could puke all over myself." Lee: Biffy "Actually, it's beautiful?" Chopper: "Really? Y'think?" Biffy: on "Totally, and I know just how to fix it." to dial his phone "Beep boop boop beep. Yo, Beth, Biff. Sup." Chopper: "No! Stop!" holds him off. Biffy: "You wanna go out with Chopper? Oh, you love him too, that's great! After school? By the portable? Done deal." gives Chopper a thumbs-up. ---- has had another premonition. He sketches it out and looks at it. Holger: "Oh no! Love and lies! They no mix nicey-nice." gasps. "And something is being very wrong! Most wrong indeed! Holgermiester fix!" ---- puts his phone back in his vest. Biffy: "There you go. After school, date, you and her. Now you help us." Chopper: "Okay, what do you want?" Lee: "You've been here a while. Like who even knows how long, am I right?" shrugs. "Ever see anything weird with the teachers? Something that might make you think they're...not normal?" Chopper: a locker "Yeah, right, like anything's normal around here!" are taped inside of the locker of the shop teacher and Chopper. The teacher's belly is constantly varying in size. Biffy: whispering "Whoa, look, Petty! How can you put on that much weight and lose that much year after year? Totally clones!" Stinky: juggling "Did you say clowns?" Lee: "Uh, no. So, is Petty in class?" Stinky: "He isn't in today. He started to foam at the mouth and he was all shaky, so he took a sick day." Chopper: a powder puff on his bald head "Forget that! How's my hair? For my date with Beth?" Lee: "Uh, not there?" Chopper: "Duh! But is it shiny." Lee: "Uh, yeah. The shiniest." Biffy: "So he's not here, but we know where he lives." Lee: on "Brandy's condo! After school?" and Biffy bump fists, and Lee hands Biffy's coffee back to him. ---- the final bell rings, Brandy finds the other Glamazons and works on them. Brandy: "I'm just saying, we get to vote. We can change things." Druscilla: "But...if we don't vote for Kimmie, she'll destroy us." Brandy: "But if she's not in charge, she can't! Don't you get it?" others don't respond. Brandy sighs. "You know what? We'll talk about it at my place." phone rings. She stops, lets her friends walk ahead, and answers. "This isn't going well. The others are like totally afraid of Kimmie, and they're clueless." Camillio: the window in his bedroom "Don't you worry chica. I think I've figured a way to sneak out and help–" lifts the window, and an alarm goes off. "Or not. Aw, man!" Kimmie: past "Hey Brandy." smoothly "Oh by the fyi, do you know who Benedict Arnold is?" Brandy: "Who? Oh, that new hot guy who sits behind us in English Lit?" Kimmie: icily "Your place. Big vote. Be there." walks away. Brandy: "O-kay, what was that?" Camillio: "Benedict Arnold? He's like only a big times world famous traitor, dude! Kimmie's so on to you!" mouth drops open in shock. Kimmie glares back at her. ---- is using his phone while in detention. Lee: "Wait. Why are you even there?" Holger: "'Cause Holger pictures tell Holger to be here." is by the trailer. Chopper is crying. "And also pictures tell Holger to pick up milk on way home, or possibly whole cow. Holger no sure. Figure out later. But right nowsie, why is Chopper crying?" Lee: "Oh, well Biffy kinda faked a call and told him he had a date with–" Holger: "Beth? Oh, no!" Lee: "Yeah. Weird. Wait. How'd you know?" Holger: "Holger know many things of mystery with secret powers. And no playing wiz game of love, okay? You telling Biffy he is being bad boy!" hangs up. Immediately afterwards, Lee gets another call. He answers. Camillio: "I'm trapped at home and Brandy needs my help, yo! I totally need some Lee Ping super spy move suggestions on how to sneak out. You got anything?" Lee: "Dude, your mom's cool! Didn't you say she thinks Brandy's great?" Camillio: "Yeah, so?" Lee: "So, just tell her Brandy's having like a personal crisis–which she is–and she'll totally let you go." Camillio: "Y'think?" upstairs "Yo Moms! Brandy's going through hard times and really needs me! Can I–" Mrs. Martinez: "That is terrible. You get in the car right now! You're going to your girlfriend's house to comfort her, and we're stopping on the way for gift chocolates!" Camillio: "Thanks, Ma, you rock!" Lee "Thanks man." ---- is presiding over the student council. Beth: angry "No one is going until I say we can go! I'm in charge, and you will all carry out my orders. All of you!" door opens. "Yes? What is it, Europeasant?" Holger: "Holger needing to speak to High Ruler of School in private times." Beth: "Fine." the student council "I'll be back. No one leaves. Got it?" council groans, assuring her that they do indeed have it. Beth exits the room, and Holger begins dragging her down the hall. Beth: "Stop! I am in the middle of a meeting!" Holger: "No! You are in the middle of being a big mean cruely person! Because your heart is sad. Like a sad rock. Made out of per sand." Beth: "Leave me alone! I could so have you like executed for this." Holger: "No! It is your destiny to make a bald blacksmith happy! And it is a bald man's destiny to make you the happy little maidenhosen!" Beth: "Wait. Did you say–" gulps. "Bald blacksmith?" nods happily. ---- and Biffy exit an elevator in Brandy's building. Biffy: "Petty's place. Four fifty-three, down here." points the way, and they walk over to the door. "Okay, so, knock." Lee: "Wait. What are we even gonna say to him? 'Hey, so, how's life? Been watching any good shows lately? Oh, and by the way, are you a clone?'" elevator opens behind them. Mr. Langhorne: upset "What're you two doing here?!?" ---- Brandy's place, the Glamazons have set up for voting. Druscilla and McKenzie are seated next to Kimmie. All three of them are wearing hats, while Brandy is hatless. Kimmie: "Ahem. Brandy, you have to wear the hat, or you can't vote." quirks an eyebrow. Kimmie smiles, and Brandy puts on the hat. Kimmie: "Fab. Okay peeps, this is it. The big vote. Winner is the Queen G for the entire year. Gee, I wonder who's gonna win. Let's vote." Glamazon takes out a piece of paper and starts writing. Brandy looks at the duo she has to win over and notices that they are looking unhappy as they cast their votes. She scowls. ---- leads Beth out to the trailer. Holger: "I have brought you to the forest! Now, go harvest the gutenberries! Go!" pushes Beth forwards towards Chopper. Chopper: her "Hey! I was wondering when you were gonna show up." Beth: "Silence, blacksmith! What is the meaning of this?" Holger: "You love him, he loves you, so, hello, love!" Beth towards Chopper "Vat is problem?" smiles. Holger holds up his sketches. "See? Love! Pictures no lie. So? Hello? Why haven't you harvested the gutenheartberries?" Beth: at the picture "Wait! Is that a trebuchet?" Chopper: "Uh, yeah, I may have made you one. It's back in shop class, I haven't–" Holger: "No! You waiting here! Ja? Holger go get. You make lovetown cookies and me be right back! Woohoo!" runs off. Chopper and Beth smile at each other. ---- and Biffy are carrying groceries for Mr. Langhorne. Mr. Langhorne: his apartment door "Thanks for the help. My back ain't what it used to be." group walks into the apartment. "Put the bags down over in the kitchen. Gotta lie my tuckered body down a spell." and Biffy do as commanded. While in the kitchen, they look at the teacher's groceries. Biffy: whispering "All generic pasta and no sauce?" Lee: whispering "Maybe he just doesn't like sauce." Biffy: whispering "That's crazy talk! Sauce is the best part!" normally "Yo, Mister Langhorne!" woosh comes from the bedroom. Lee: "Hey, do you smell that?" cloud of green smoke invades the room. Lee: woozy "Kinda smells...appley." faints. Mr. Langhorne's body slides down the bed. Biffy: woozy "Did he just–" coughs and falls unconscious. ---- Glamazons cast their votes one-by-one into the secret box. When all four have voted, Kimmie rings a bell. Kimmie: "Votes are in. Time to count." but Kimmie is sweating as she counts the votes. "First vote. Brandy. Huh. How interesting." smiles. "Second vote." takes out a piece of paper and grins at Brandy. The smile drops from Brandy's face. ---- Lee and Biffy awaken and lift themselves off of the floor. Lee: "Ow. My head! What happened?" Biffy: "Ugh, that stupid gas, and then–hey! Where's Langhorne?" Lee: "He was on the bed. Didn't he like, get sucked through?" Biffy: "I dunno, look for a trap door switch or something." Lee: "Maybe you gotta lie down." tosses Biffy a shirt. Biffy: "Oh right, good thinking." tie bandanas around their mouths to prevent the gas from seeping in. Lee: "Ready?" Biffy: "Of course not. Let's go." and Biffy lie down on the bed. They get gassed. Biffy: "Huh. This is not–" the bed tilts upwards. "Whoa!" and Biffy fall into a tunnel underneath the bed. The shirts fly off of their faces, and they scream as they descend. ---- blows into his bugle. He, Stinky, Emmett, and Holger are bringing the catapult over. Holger: "Heartaport to the rescuing!" Beth: "Wait, does it work? If I'm storming a castle, I need to be sure." Chopper: "See for yourself, m'lady. It would be–an honor." Holger: "Aw! Lovetimes making Holger's heart feel like slinky marshmallow!" Beth: "Really? Awesome." is standing on the loadout of the catapult. "Attack!" pulls the trigger, and Holger goes flying over the school. Holger: "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" Beth: "Huzzah! Now we can finally lay siege to the rebel castle, and return the kingdom to its former glory. Blacksmith, I thank thee." Holger: landed on the football field's uprights "Love, you hurt so good." ---- tunnel opens into a large room filled with pods. Lee slides out of the tunnel, off of one of the pods, and onto the floor, where he stands up cleanly. Lee: scared "YAAAH!" realizing "We didn't die. Bonus!" Biffy: "NAH!" bounces off the same pod Lee slid off of and crashes. "Whuh! Ow." gets up, leaving behind him a piece of machinery that is now spitting sparks. Lee: scared "Dude! Check this out!" Biffy: "Whoa." Langhorne is in the pod they slid off of. Lee: scared "Mister Langhorne? What is this place!?!" Biffy: "Besides Grand Cloning Central?" Lee: at another pod "Mister Petty? I can't believe it!" scans the pods. "Our teachers really are all clones! Do you think they even know they're here?" Biffy: "Only one way to find out." walks over to Mr. Petty's pod, opens the lid, and begins shaking the teacher. "Mister Petty! Yo, wake–" Petty turns into dust. Lee and Biffy: "AAAAHHH!" alarm goes off. Lee: shocked "Dude. You just disintegrated him." Biffy: out "I didn't mean to!" worried "Maybe we can put him back together." Lee: "How? He's sand!" Biffy: "Maybe if we got some water–" the alarm "Oh shut it I'm trying to think here!" punches the alarm, turning it off. Lee: "And what, make mud pies?" Biffy: "Then come up with something better!" Lee: up a pod "I am. We get outta here before someone shows up to check on the alarm." climbs into the tunnel down and begins climbing up horizontally. "Okay, this is–urf–gonna take forever! Unh!" Biffy: "Aw quit your griping and keep climbing. It's our only way out!" straining "Ah boy." ---- is still counting the votes. Kimmie: "Last one: Kimmie." rushes in. Camillio: "Oh hey, I got here just in time." scribbles down his vote. Kimmie takes it. Kimmie: "What do you think you're doing? This is a sacred ceremony. How did you even get in here?" Camillio: "I'm here to support my girl, you know how it is." Kimmie: "Sweet, but no. I don't. Only Glamazons vote. And you're not even president anymore. And look." up the votes "Three for moi, and the only one for Brandy, is in Brandy's handwriting. How adorable." Brandy: up "Okay, you know what? My man Cam doesn't need to be president to be cool. He just is, got it? And f to the y i, look around. Everyone hates you and loves me." Kimmie: "Looks like the only one who loves you, is you." waves Brandy's single vote for emphasis. "You're out. Forever. Take your delusions of grandeur and your–ew–ex-president, and leave, traitor." Brandy: her hat down "Fine! I will! Benedict Arnold, out!" drags Cam out of the apartment and slams the door. Camillio: "Uh, wait, don't you like live here?" Brandy: demoralized "Oh. Right." ---- night, Lee and Biffy have a video chat. Biffy: "Okay, you were right to gripe. My legs are killing me!" has placed ice packs on them. "Ow!" Lee: "Don't worry. Your calves are gonna look amazing tomorrow." thinking "Man, I can't believe that was all real! An underground pod chamber?" Biffy: "I know, I keep wondering. Could there be chambers down there for all the teachers?" Lee: "What're you–uh-uh. No way. I would know if my mom was going down to a secret pod lair every night." Biffy: "I know you don't want to hear it, but this thing is too big to ignore. Teachers were down there. The smell in the staff room is the same as at Langhorne's! And, the Taz stole your mom's file? Dude." Lee: defensive "So what? You really think my mom is a clone too?" Biffy: "I don't know, but since there's a way to check–" Lee: "Ugh, fine. I'll go see, but just to shut you up." gets up to check on his mother. Biffy: "I'll wait here." walks into his parents' bedroom. He jostles the headboard, feels the mattress, and jumps on it to be sure. Nothing happens. Lee: "Huh, man. That was so stupid! Of course my mom isn't a clone." Mrs. Ping: "Lee Ping!" lights come on. She and Mr. Ping are in the bedroom doorway. "Just what do you think you're doing?" Lee: awkwardly "Oh. Huh. I was–just–uh, nothing." for the bedroom door "Uh, hey guys, what's up?" gets past his parents. "Goodnight!" parents shrug at each other and head downstairs. Lee's mom turns off the lights and pulls the bedroom door shut.